Holding On, Letting Go

First Day, Fourth Time: Watching My Twinkie Grow

Holding on to ritual, stepping into change

This morning, I watched my 10-year-old, my self-proclaimed “twinkie”, head off to another first day of school. What was different this year? Well, for one, it was his fourth first day without his Papa. His Papa always made sure to be there on the first day, no matter what. Even when he was sick, he’d be up and ready, determined to mark this milestone with his kids.

I often think back to the last first day of school he was here for, when our son was just six. We drove him to school together, and after dropping him off, his father and I got back into the car. The radio came on, and by pure chance NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye started playing. My husband found this utterly hilarious; he laughed so hard at the absurd timing, delighted by the universe’s sense of humor. That memory still plays in my mind every August morning, a reminder of his presence and his joy, even in the small, ordinary rituals.

Of course, I also recognize that my son probably doesn’t truly remember that last first day with his Papa. He was only six years old, and research on early childhood memory, what psychologists call infantile amnesia, shows that most children cannot consciously recall events from this age (Josselyn and Frankland 2012; Frankland et al. 2013; Callaghan et al. 2014). Much of what he “remembers” is likely shaped by the stories we tell him, the photos we show him, and the rituals we continue. Even so, these shared narratives allow the memory to live on in a meaningful way, connecting him to his beloved Papa and to moments of joy we all experienced together.

And yet, my twinkie is growing. He’s maturing, figuring himself out…at least a little. He has a close-knit group of friends, boys he’s known since kindergarten, and I’ve had the privilege of watching them grow up together alongside their families. This year feels different because I can see him standing a little taller, stepping a little more confidently into his world.

Our summer was uneventful, and perhaps that was exactly what we needed. It was the first summer since COVID where he got to simply be home. He decided that traditional day camps weren’t for him this year, though he did try one week of coding and loved it (he’s already declared he’ll do it again next year). Since I was working from home, I let him stay home too. His sister was also around, as we attempted the job-hunt adventure (a story for another post). Instead of vacations or busy schedules, we attempted to declutter the house, swam in the pool, played games, and spent time with family and friends. It was quiet, restorative, and real. We even updated his bedroom to reflect his new style, another small sign of a boy becoming his own person.

As I reflect on this summer, I can’t help but feel a bit wistful. It was one of those rare stretches of time where we could all simply be together, playing, swimming, updating his room, and just enjoying each other’s company. I don’t know if we’ll ever have a summer quite like this again, and acknowledging that makes the memories even more precious.

Still, the return to school came quickly. He admitted to some stress the night before, but he had already found a bright side: starting on a Friday meant he’d have time to see his friends, play, and ease into school life before “real learning” began. What a trooper. This morning, in the schoolyard, it was beautiful to watch him reunite with his buddies. There was no hesitation, just joy in finding one another again, ready to take on another year together, probably surprising their new teachers who will soon discover what a delight they are together.

The Science of First-Day Stress

As I reflect on his journey, I can’t help but think about what research tells us about transitions like this. Studies show that the first days back at school can be stressful for children, so much so that cortisol, the body’s stress hormone, often spikes during those early mornings, though most studies have studied children transitioning from preschool to kindergarten (Parent et al., 2019; Leblond et al., 2022). But psychologists remind us that this kind of stress can also be a form of eustress (Selye, 1975; Lu et al., 2021), positive stress that helps kids adapt and grow.

For parents, the return to school can also bring stress. Adjusting routines, supporting children through their own anxieties, and managing the logistics of the year ahead all add up. For me, as an “older parent,” there’s another layer: these transitions are milestones that remind me of time passing, of my son’s growing independence, and of the family member who isn’t here to share them. Research on “parenting later in life” suggests that older parents may feel these milestones more acutely, often bringing both deep appreciation and heightened awareness of time (George-Carey et al., 2021).

Tweens, Friendship, and Identity

At age 10, my twinkie is entering the tween years, a stage where kids begin balancing autonomy with their deep need for family support. Research on identity development shows how important it is for children to have safe spaces to test out who they are becoming (Eccles, 1999). Friendships play a huge role here, providing stability and belonging through times of change. Watching my son and his friends, I see this in action: the way they pick up right where they left off, forming a steady anchor in a changing world.

Rituals, Memory, and Moving Forward

Family rituals, like Papa’s tradition of showing up on the first day of school, hold deep meaning. Research on family resilience highlights how rituals provide continuity and stability, especially after loss (Fiese et al., 2002). We’ve carried this forward in our own way: each year now, we take our first day pictures with a photo of Papa, so that he is still part of the tradition. It’s a way of honoring what he built while adapting to what life looks like now, a reminder that love and memory can still be present in new seasons.

Closing Reflections

This year’s first day reminded me of how much transitions hold: joy, grief, stress, pride, and growth, all tangled together. My twinkie is navigating it with courage, with his friends at his side and with his family behind him. And while I still feel the ache of what is missing, I also feel immense gratitude for what we have: a summer of togetherness, a boy who is growing into himself, and the small rituals that carry us from one season into the next.

And every August, I still carry with me that memory of the last first day Papa was there: the two of us in the car, and Bye Bye Bye coming on the radio just as we said goodbye at the school doors. His laughter at that perfectly timed song has become part of the ritual too, a reminder that even when grief feels heavy, love and joy can still echo forward, finding their way into new beginnings.

Transitions remind us that love, memory, and hope move with us, wherever we go.

 -- Anne TM Konkle, PhD

References

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