The Physics of Recess: When Friendships Shift in the Tween Years

Exploring how identity, boundaries, and belonging

collide on the playground

The ball never bounces evenly in winter.

On frozen asphalt, it ricochets, high, low, sideways, unpredictable. What should be a steady rhythm becomes erratic. You cannot quite anticipate where it will land next.

Recess during the tween years feels the same.

It is the most unstructured part of the school day. The bell rings, and children spill into cold air with no script, no curriculum, no grading rubric. Just social physics. Momentum. Gravity. Collision.

It is there, on packed snow and icy pavement, that identity begins to separate from friendship.

And that separation can hurt.

When “We” Becomes “Me Too”

Around ages 9–11, children stand at a developmental threshold. Cognitively, they are beginning to move toward more abstract thinking. Socially, they are entering the early stages of identity formation. Erik Erikson (1968) described this period as a bridge from industry toward identity, from mastering tasks to quietly asking, Who am I becoming?

Research on peer relationships shows that friendships in early adolescence increasingly shift from proximity-based (“We are in the same class”) to identity-based (“We share interests and values”) (Brown & Larson, 2009).

At first, the shift is subtle.

One child becomes passionate about storytelling.

Another about sports.

Another about strategy games.

Another about performance.

Passions sharpen.

And with passion comes differentiation.

The difficulty is that belonging still matters, perhaps more than ever.

So, when a child asks,

“Do you like that more than your friends?”

What they are really asking is:

“Am I losing you?”

Recess as a Social Laboratory

Recess is often dismissed as a break from learning.

It is not.

It is where children rehearse adulthood in miniature.

There are no assigned seats. No structured turn-taking. No adult-managed inclusion. Children negotiate hierarchy, loyalty, influence, and identity in real time.

Developmental research has long emphasized that early adolescence is marked by peer reorganization and heightened sensitivity to status and belonging (Brown & Larson, 2009).

In this environment, differentiation can feel destabilizing.

The ball bounces higher. Harder. Less predictably.

Not Every Conflict Is Bullying ; But Not Every Power Move Is Harmless

When tensions rise at recess, the word “bullying” can surface quickly.

Sometimes that label is accurate.

But often what we are witnessing is more complex: relational negotiation, emotional immaturity, attempts at influence that exceed a child’s regulatory capacity.

Nicki Crick’s work on relational aggression reminds us that children can exert social power not only physically, but through exclusion, rumor-spreading, and misrepresentation (Crick & Grotpeter, 1995).

A child who says,

“If you don’t play what I want, I’ll tell,”

may not see themselves as cruel.

They may feel displaced.

They may feel replaced.

Rejection sensitivity research suggests that children who perceive threat to belonging may react defensively, even disproportionately (Downey & Feldman, 1996).

Understanding this does not excuse the behaviour.

But it situates it developmentally.

There is a difference between recognizing insecurity and accepting harm.

And this is precisely the distinction children begin learning at this age.

The Emotional Vocabulary Gap

During the tween years, children feel intensely. But their language for those feelings is still emerging.

They may feel:

• Jealousy

• Replacement

• Shame

• Betrayal

• Fear of exclusion

But instead of saying,

“I feel left out.”

They say,

“You care about that more than me.”

Instead of saying,

“I’m scared we’re not best friends anymore.”

They say,

“Fine. I’ll tell!”

Emotion regulation is still developing well into adolescence (Eisenberg, Spinrad, & Eggum, 2010). A child who explodes in frustration/ rage over a game or disagreement may not be acting out of malice; they may simply lack the regulatory scaffolding to contain frustration and manage intense emotions.

But here is the uncomfortable truth:

Emotional dysregulation in one child can feel like emotional injury in another.

And someone must begin deciding what feels acceptable.

The First Real Boundary

There is a quiet developmental milestone embedded in these moments.

It is the shift from:

“Do they still like me?”

to:

“Is this how I want to be treated?”

Around this age, children begin forming internal standards. Not just preferences but principles.

What is fair.

What feels safe.

What crosses a line.

This is boundary formation.

It is not dramatic. It is not defiant. It is not a declaration of social war.

It is identity solidifying.

A child may begin to recognize:

“I can understand that he’s upset. But that doesn’t make it okay”

“It still hurts when he says things that aren’t true.”

They are learning that empathy and self-protection can coexist. At this age, a simple “I’m sorry” may no longer be enough to repair harm.  Children begin to notice that words can have lasting impact, and that trust isn’t restored instantly.

Both the child who was hurt and the child who caused the hurt need to recognize the emotional impact. The first child may need space to process and maintain boundaries, the second may need to reflect on how their words affected someone else. Parents play an essential role here, noticing apologies, guiding reflection, and helping children understand that social repair requires both recognition and time, not just words.

Through these moments, children practice holding empathy for others while maintaining their personal boundaries, an essential skill for the tween years.

Children do not all arrive at this milestone at the same pace. Some have already been practicing emotional navigation at home, negotiating space with siblings, learning to read shifting moods, balancing empathy with self-advocacy. In families where one child’s needs require heightened awareness or flexibility, brothers and sisters may receive early rehearsal in perspective-taking and boundary setting.  Others may encounter these tensions more fully for the first time on the playground. Development is not a race; it is rehearsal shaped by context.

Grieving What Is Changing

Friendships at this age rarely end with ceremony.

They drift.

Energy shifts.

Alliances wobble.

Inside jokes land differently.

Children rarely say,

“I am grieving the earlier version of this friendship.”

They say,

“He’s being annoying.”

Underneath may be something softer:

“I miss how it used to be.”

That sadness deserves recognition.

So does the anger.

So does the confusion.

Recess is where children first experience that closeness can change and that growth sometimes reorganizes relationships.

The bouncing ball is not broken.

It is adjusting to new terrain.

The Parent as Emotional Translator

When children come home from recess, they bring fragments:

“They told on me.”

“He’s being mean.”

“They don’t get it.”

Our instinct may be to fix. To defend. To strategize.

But the deeper developmental work happens in a different order.

First: regulate.

“You sound hurt.”

“That felt unfair.”

“You seem really angry.”

Only once the nervous system settles can curiosity enter.

“I wonder what he might have been feeling.”

“Do you think he felt left out?”

“What do you think made him react like that?”

This is not about minimizing your child’s pain.

It is about expanding their emotional map.

Children benefit from learning to hold two truths:

1) Someone else may be struggling.

And

2) I still get to decide what behaviour I accept.

Perspective-taking strengthens boundaries, it does not weaken them.

A child who can say,

“I get that you’re upset,”

while also saying,

“I don’t like being treated that way,”

is practicing mature relational skill.

That skill does not emerge automatically.

It is coached.

The Instability Is the Work

On frozen asphalt, a ball will never bounce evenly.

It will tilt.

It will ricochet.

It will surprise you.

Recess during the tween years is like that.

Unstructured.

Emotionally charged.

Full of overreactions and sudden shifts.

But within that instability is profound growth.

Children are learning:

• That identity can coexist with belonging.

• That empathy does not require self-erasure.

• That boundaries are not punishments.

• That friendships can change without either person being a villain.

Recess is not just a break in the school day.

It is where children practice becoming themselves.

And becoming oneself is rarely smooth.

The ball bounces.

And in the bouncing, something steadier begins to form.

-- Anne TM Konkle, PhD

References

Brown, BB, & Larson, J. (2009). Peer relationships in adolescence. In Handbook of Adolescent Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1002/9780470479193.adlpsy002004

Crick, NR, & Grotpeter, JK. (1995). Relational aggression, gender, and social–psychological adjustment. Child Development, 66(3), 710–722. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.1995.tb00900.x

Downey, G, & Feldman, SI. (1996). Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(6), 1327–1343. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.70.6.1327

Eisenberg, N, Spinrad, TL, Eggum, ND. (2010). Emotion-related self-regulation and its relation to children’s maladjustment. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 6, 495–525. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.clinpsy.121208.131208

Erikson, EH. (1968). Identity: Youth and crisis. W. W. Norton & Company.